How College Changes the Parent-Child Relationship (2024)

Family

The distance can actually strengthen the bond.

By Alia Wong
How College Changes the Parent-Child Relationship (1)

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College is a formative time, not only for students’ minds but for their life skills as well. For the hundreds of thousands of undergrads in the United States who enroll as teens, college may mark the first time they have to manage their own schedules and master a laundry routine.

College is also a formative time for students’ relationship with their parents. Many undergrads, especially those who live on campus, are caught in a sort of limbo between dependence and independence, making their own rules and schedules but relying on their parents to help them navigate financial-aid applications and health insurance. Students may have to do their own grocery shopping, but there’s a good chance their parents are still footing the bill; they may live in a dorm, but their home is still likely their parents’ house, a place to which they return on breaks and during the summer. And this limbo, it turns out, may spur a healthy evolution in students’ relationship with their parents.

In one recent survey of roughly 14,500 college students across the U.S., three in five respondents said their relationship with their parents had improved since they started college; a quarter said the relationship was “much better.” Perhaps that’s in part because geographical distance fosters in students a greater appreciation for their parents. Students’ tendency to describe the relationship as improved “could be indicative of a shift in how young adults view the role of the parent as one of confidant and adviser rather than authoritarian,” says Tisha Duncan, an education professor at Meredith College in Raleigh, North Carolina. Duncan is currently researching the stage of post-adolescent life that lasts through the late 20s and is known as “emerging adulthood.”

Read: Why it feels so terrible to drop your kid at college

“Of the close relationships that people form in their lifetime, parent-child relationships are typically among the most enduring,” wrote the psychologists Christin Köber and Tilmann Habermas in a longitudinal study published last year on how people’s conceptions of their parents change as they age. Analyzing responses from 114 participants in four age groups spanning from 8 to 69, Köber and Tilmann found that the older they get, the more likely people are to perceive their parents as “individuals beyond their nurturing role.” People’s “understanding of parents”—the notion of them as real people—was found to be low during one’s late teens and 20s, after which it increases through late adulthood. Negative evaluations of one’s parents are especially common during adolescence. “This is partly because adolescents strive for emancipation from parents in order to establish social autonomy and their own personal identity,” Köber and Tilmann wrote.

During and right after the traditional college years, that adversarial posture starts to recede as students begin to “perceive their parents as complex individuals with weaknesses,” the scholars suggested. At the same time, as the authors of a separate longitudinal study note, parents may decide to “relinquish some degree of control over their offspring’s behaviors.” Because much of the tension that besets a teenager’s relationship with her parents stems from her sense of repressed autonomy, the newfound independence may help remedy that tension.

Of course, many young adults can’t or don’t attend college: As of April 2019, roughly three in 10 high-school graduates ages 16 to 24 weren’t pursuing a postsecondary education, according to federal data. These emerging adults will likely experience their own transition in their relationship to their parents—perhaps abruptly if they move away from home and become financially independent, perhaps in a gradual way similar to college students if they continue living with their parents but earn their own money.

Many of today’s emerging adults who do pursue college, meanwhile, are attaining independence from their parents more slowly than their predecessors did. Over the past decade or so, parents have assumed a more hands-on role in their kids’ college experiences—a trend that’s helped to popularize the helicopter-parent stereotype and may elongate students’ pathway to full-fledged autonomy. Instead of students announcing, ‘I got into college!,’ the parents are announcing, ‘We got into college!’” says Duncan, who’s worked at Meredith, a women’s college, for a little more than a decade as a professor and adviser.

By playing a more active role in their kids’ college life, parents may be changing the progression of that relationship, and delaying the distance that can breed understanding. In his forthcoming book, Failure to Launch: Why Your Twentysomething Hasn’t Grown Up … And What to Do About It, the clinical psychologist Mark McConville, who specializes in emerging adults, cautions parents against instilling in their kids the assumption that they’ll always be around to solve problems. This attitude can prompt a child to always take for granted her parents’ financial and material support, McConville argues—a tendency he suggests is the common denominator across all the “struggling transitioners” he’s worked with and writes about.

Parents may feel more inclined to participate in their kids’ college experiences these days in part because of how expensive tuition has become. The average parent of a college student plans on paying about 62 percent of her child’s total higher-education costs, according to data released last year by Fidelity. But Duncan hypothesizes that part of parents’ tendency toward intensive involvement with their college students also has to do with the growing use of technology in K–12 schools over the past five or so years. This technology has given parents in many districts greater access into the daily happenings of their kids’ school lives than ever before—through text communication with teachers, for example, and through real-time reports of kids’ academic progress and behavior. “So their entire educational experience has been collective in terms of the parent and the child traveling through school together,” she says.

Read: Colleges would rather freshmen not choose their roommates

Greater parental involvement can benefit students’ achievement, and Kristen Gray, the associate dean for health and counseling at Hope College in Holland, Michigan, says parental oversight can be helpful at the college level as well—in moderation. Like Duncan, Gray has noticed a shift in parents’ relationships with their college-aged kids. When she began her work 22 years ago, Gray almost never had parents “calling to share information [about their kids’ mental-health needs], to voice concern and make sure they knew what resources were available,” she says; rarely did they visit her office during student orientation to meet with a staff member. Now it happens all the time.

This can be a boon for students, Gray argues, especially given all the stressors of modern-day college life—reported rates of anxiety and depression among college students have reached record highs. Parents’ involvement should be focused on shepherding their kids to find the right help for a given problem rather than solving it for them. “There's a real difference there between” coddling a student,” Gray says, “and getting the student’s brain to develop some strategies, then helping the students evaluate those strategies.”

Duncan describes the relationship between parents and college students as more open, emotional, and sensitive than it was when she was a young adult, or even a decade ago. “I don’t see [intensive parenting] as the parents always speaking for the child or intervening for the child and not giving the child a voice,” Duncan says. “It’s much more that they’re interdependent, and coming through this [college] process together.”

This interdependence, research suggests, can make the parent-child relationship more gratifying in the long run. As long as parents embrace their role as advisers—rather than trying to hold on to their authority into college and beyond—they can not only better prepare their emerging-adult kids for full-fledged adulthood, but improve their bond with them, too.

How College Changes the Parent-Child Relationship (2024)

FAQs

How does going to college affect your family? ›

College affects families by increasing job opportunities and income levels available to students upon graduation. Even though students might not be able to work many hours during college due to college course work demands, after graduation, they might qualify for jobs that weren't available to them previously.

What is the influence of parent-child relationship on the academic? ›

Generally, parent–child relationship contributes to the development of adolescents' learning motivation by strengthening their needs for relatedness, competence, and autonomy. Academic self-efficacy, as a predictor between learners' motivation and behaviors (Bandura, 1977), is also naturally enhanced.

How do parents feel when their child goes to college? ›

It's not uncommon at all to feel sad or anxious when your child leaves for college, whether it's your first time or your fifth time. Parents have so much love for their children, and it's hard to get used to those children being grown and gone. But that's what it's all about: getting accustomed to the differences.

How does college change you as a person? ›

College has helped you become self-aware.

In college, you get to explore YOUR interests. You've gotten to take classes that are more relevant to what you want to do with your life - and this has contributed to you getting to know yourself better.

Is it important to maintain your family relationships while attending college? ›

Family is always there for the good times and the bad. A final benefit of maintaining your relationship with your family after going to college is keeping up with what goes on back home while you are gone. When you are away from home, it can often be difficult keeping up with everything.

Does going to college change your life? ›

A college degree opens up more opportunities, even in fields that aren't in your major. Improve Discipline and Develop Strong Character. Obtaining a degree takes discipline and a will to succeed. By getting your degree, you overcome procrastination and learn to do what it takes to reach your goal.

What are some factors that influence a parent and child's relationship? ›

Family factors
  • Large families.
  • Family stress: working parents, job dissatisfaction, fatigue, stress and time, household chores.
  • Violence within the home.
  • Child sex abuse.
  • Trauma.
Mar 21, 2022

Is there a significant relationship between parental involvement and students academic achievement? ›

When families are stakeholders in students' education, there's a positive impact on student success. When families get involved and engaged in their child's education, students are more likely to graduate, earn higher grades, improve their attendance, and go to college.

Is there a relationship between parenting styles and children's academic achievement? ›

It has been found that very successful students at school with high scores had parents with firm styles. Those students with authoritative parents had the least scores and it has an acceptable conformity with the results of this study.

What parents want from colleges? ›

For parents overall, the most important factors were: Safe environment (74.5%) Acquisition of real-world marketable skills (73%) The college is a good fit (72.5%)

Does it matter if your parents went to college? ›

If your parents went to college you are more likely to follow in their footsteps. Source: Shutterstock. A study from the US Education Department National Center for Education Statistics has shown children whose parents attended college are much more likely to attend university (and graduate) themselves.

How often do college kids see their parents? ›

One group of parents interacts even more. The average college student interacts 13 times a week with their parents (Hofer & Moore, 2010). Most people born in the 1970's or earlier probably remember interacting 13 times a year when they went to college.

What psychological changes occur during college years? ›

One of the most dynamic periods of psychological growth occurs during the college years. In this period, young adults begin to integrate their identity, enhance their intellectual development, and internalize a personal set of beliefs and values. As people mature, they change.

How does college change your mindset? ›

Critical Thinking

College teaches students to be more inquisitive. They don't just accept ideas and assumptions without questioning them. Instead, they use deep analysis to understand links between ideas and their relevance. This changes their approach to problem-solving.

Do colleges compare you to people from your school? ›

Admissions officers sort applicants by region first, and then often subdivide within regions by other factors, which can include race, gender, intended major, or smaller geographic areas. Thus you are compared to other applicants from your high school, but not directly.

Why do most relationships end in college? ›

It's hard to maintain a balance between studying and dating. Another reason college couples break up is the inability to balance their time. Many students are so busy studying that they only have time to meet basic needs or visit the gym a couple of hours a week at most.

What is a healthy relationship in college? ›

Healthy relationships are based on trust, support, and respect. You should never feel intimidated, humiliated, or afraid. Essential to any healthy relationship is a strong foundation.

Do most people live with their parents after college? ›

In many parts of the world, adult children don't typically leave their parents' homes at all until they're ready to get married and start families of their own. And even in the United States, there are more young adults living this way than in any other situation. It's perfectly normal and no cause for embarrassment.

How does college change people's lives? ›

Thanks to more successful careers and higher salaries, college graduates have access to better medical care and are more likely to own their own homes. As you can see, college is about more than just academics. A college education enriches your life and helps you grow into the person that you want to be.

What difference will a college degree make in your life? ›

College graduates are half as likely to be unemployed as their peers who only have a high school degree. Typical earnings for bachelor's degree holders are $36,000 or 84 percent higher than those whose highest degree is a high school diploma. College graduates on average make $1.2 million more over their lifetime.

What percentage of college students are happy? ›

Only 61% of students are satisfied with their social life, and just 59% say they feel connected to peers at their institution.

What are 3 very important factors in a parent child relationship? ›

Positive relationships with children are based on being in the moment, spending quality time and building trust. Your relationship with your child will change and develop as your child grows and develops.

What are the struggles of parent child relationship? ›

These problems include a lack of boundaries, rejection, restrictiveness and overprotection, overindulgence, substance abuse and unrealistic expectations from children. The parent child relationship problem can permeate into multiple aspects of life.

What are the 3 factors that most affect parenting capacity? ›

Parenting capacity is one of three core elements which practitioners assess when concerns about a child's welfare are raised. The other two elements are the child's developmental needs, and wider family and environmental factors. These three elements are inter-related and cannot be considered in isolation.

How parent involvement affects student achievement back to school? ›

Students with more highly involved parents made stronger reading and math gains than less involved parents. The finding was apparent across all income levels.

What is the relationship between parental involvement and student motivation? ›

Parental involvement will encourage students' achievement motivation and at the same time helping them to be more focus in their performance. The contribution of the study especially in achievement motivation should be aware by parents, teachers and administrative themselves.

What parenting is positively associated with academic achievement? ›

In regard to academic performance, and while findings may vary across cultures and social groups [14, 15], authoritative parenting has been generally found to have the most positive outcomes and promote higher academic achievement [16–18] while neglectful parenting has been consistently linked with the poorest outcomes ...

What parenting style tends to result in lower academic achievement most often? ›

Kids who grow up with permissive parents are more likely to struggle academically. They may exhibit more behavioral problems as they don't appreciate authority and rules. They often have low self-esteem and may report a lot of sadness.

How does parental education level influence parenting and children's achievement? ›

Higher parental education is not only associated with higher child intelligence, but children from highly educated parents also perform better in school due to other family related factors.

Do most parents help their kids in college? ›

According to the oft-cited Sallie Mae study “How America Pays for College,” 77% of American families used parent income and savings to pay for some of their kid's college expenses. Another 18% of parents use borrowed funds to pay for some portion of their child's higher education.

Why do parents claim college students? ›

Benefits of Claiming a College Student as a Dependent

The ability to claim a dependent generally makes taxpayers eligible for more credits and deductions, which may include education-related tax credits, such as the American opportunity tax credit and the lifetime learning credit.

What is it called when you get into college because of your parents? ›

Simply put, a legacy is a student at a college who has family ties to an alumnus of that institution. Perhaps the student's mother or father attended that university when they were younger. The family of legacy students–or “legacies”–typically have a loyalty to that school and the pride that comes along with it.

Is it normal to cry when your parents leave you at college? ›

Yes. It is very normal. It's a big change, leaving home, going to some strange place, leaving all that is familiar. It can be exciting and overwhelming and scary all at the same time.

How does parents education impact their children's education? ›

Students whose parents stay involved in school have better attendance and behavior, get better grades, demonstrate better social skills and adapt better to school. Parental involvement also more securely sets these students up to develop a lifelong love of learning, which researchers say is key to long-term success.

What percent of college students move back in with their parents? ›

Moving back in with mom and dad. Living with parents after college has become increasingly common: More than 32 percent of young adults live with their parents, according to Pew Research.

How old are most parents of college students? ›

Many Student Parents Are In Their 30s

The median age for single student parents is 30, while married student parents tend to be a little older, with a median age of 34. Student parents are quite a bit older than most traditional students who attend college directly out of high school.

How often should you talk to your child in college? ›

Most parents opt for once-a-week communication with their new college student and more if the student feels they need to talk.

How many parents drop out of college? ›

Sixty-one percent of student fathers drop out of college without degrees, compared to 48 percent of student mothers, the women's policy research institute finds. Among single, Black and Latino fathers, the dropout rate is about 70 percent.

What are 3 common stressors that college students face? ›

College students commonly experience stress because of increased responsibilities, a lack of good time management, changes in eating and sleeping habits, and not taking enough breaks for self-care. Transitioning to college can be a source of stress for most first-year students.

Does college change a person? ›

Intellectual and social stimulation from the college setting can mix with the normal developmental patterns of becoming an adult in American society to produce profound changes in young people.

What is the most stressful year of college? ›

Junior year is generally considered the most stressful year of college, based on coursework and financial strain. However, freshmen experience unique types of stress. For example, 69% of freshmen students suffer from homesickness.

How does college develop a person? ›

College graduates have increased levels of academic and social self- concept and self-esteem. and strengthen self-efficacy and self-confidence, particularly in situations where they must communicate with others and learn new information and skills.

Why does college affect mental health? ›

The desire to achieve high grades in a difficult academic environment can lead to increased levels of stress and anxiety. Students may overwork themselves and neglect their own well-being, especially if they procrastinate on assignments. Procrastination itself can be a coping mechanism for anxiety about grades.

What does college teach you about the real world? ›

Developing your communication skills, becoming more efficient at time management, and changing your approach to overcoming challenges are just some of the important life lessons you learn in college that can't be found in any textbook.

Are you more successful if you go to college? ›

If you're wondering if college is necessary to have a successful career, it depends on what you want to pursue. You don't need a Bachelor's degree to succeed in most careers. Instead of four-year degrees, more companies are looking at a candidate's skills and potential.

Is college worth it for the average person? ›

Bachelor's degree holders generally earn 75% more than those with just a high school diploma, according to “The College Payoff,” a report from the Georgetown University Center on Education and the Workforce — and the higher the level of educational attainment, the larger the payoff.

What grades do colleges care most about? ›

Your first year and sophom*ore year affect your cumulative GPA, which is important to most colleges. However, a solid academic record in your junior year is likely to carry more importance with an admissions committee.

How does your education benefit your family? ›

Those who get an education have higher incomes, have more opportunities in their lives, and tend to be healthier. Societies benefit as well. Societies with high rates of education completion have lower crime, better overall health, and civic involvement. Lack of access to education is considered the root of poverty.

Why is being the first in your family to go to college important? ›

Being able to send a child to college represents hope for the family, as well as a guide for family members in younger generations. The younger ones will look up to that family member who did go to college and will want to follow their steps.

How do you balance family and college? ›

« Back
  1. Plan out your degree and goals. ...
  2. Develop your academic and technical skills. ...
  3. Work with your family and include your children. ...
  4. Seek out a community. ...
  5. Ask for help. ...
  6. Take care of yourself and schedule time to relax. ...
  7. Get organized and stay that way. ...
  8. Create a space that is your own for studying.

Is it normal to miss your family in college? ›

Almost all new college students experience it in one way or another, and freshmen should know that it is normal to experience this feeling. If you are experiencing homesickness in college, it's a normal sign that you are understandably missing the familiar and comfortable environment of home, family, and friends.

Why is education important to parents? ›

Parents who have attended classes and learned effective discipline and parenting techniques report having children with higher grades, fewer behavior problems, less substance abuse issues, better mental health and greater social competence.

What is one benefit of a college education is being? ›

College is important for many reasons, including increased career stability and satisfaction, and the ability to make an impact on your community. With more and more careers requiring advanced education, a college degree can be critical to your success in today's workforce.

What is the importance of family in value education? ›

Family is the foundation on which values are built. Moral values like truthfulness, happiness, peace, justice are instilled in children's thoughts, feelings and actions and they function as ideals and standards that govern their actions in their life.

Am I first-generation if my parents went to college? ›

If your parents went to community college ONLY, or a technical school, or to a NON four year school in another country, you are still a first-gen. If your parent *did* go to college but they passed away and you lived without them for more than half of your life, then you are a first-gen.

Are you first-generation if one parent went to college? ›

Yes. Being a first-gen student means that your parent(s) did not complete a 4-year college or university degree, regardless of other family member's level of education. Older siblings and family members who attended college may be a great resource as you navigate your college journey!

Why do parents want their child to go to college? ›

Going to college is a good idea for more than one reason. Most importantly, college will help train and education your child for a career, not just a job. On average, college graduates tend to make more than those without a college degree, especially when first starting out.

How do you stay in touch with your family in college? ›

Ways to Stay Connected with Family at College
  1. Schedule weekly calls. Feel free to call anytime to share great news or concerns, but scheduling a weekly call to catch up can ensure that you don't go too long without checking in. ...
  2. Send an email. ...
  3. Send a text. ...
  4. FaceTime or video chat. ...
  5. Send photos or video.

How do you deal with living with your parents after college? ›

16 Tips for Moving Back in With Your Parents After College
  1. Set Boundaries. Your relationship with your parents will be different now than when you were a child. ...
  2. Agree On House Rules Beforehand. ...
  3. Update Your Old Room. ...
  4. Pay Rent. ...
  5. Respect Privacy. ...
  6. Help Out Around the House. ...
  7. Use a Lease. ...
  8. Pay for Groceries & Utilities Occasionally.
Jul 8, 2022

How do you juggle college and work and family? ›

10 Tips for Balancing Parenting, Work, and School
  1. Dedicate time to updating the calendar. ...
  2. Designate “schoolwork time” ...
  3. Let your professors know you are busy. ...
  4. Ask for help. ...
  5. Prep meals in advance. ...
  6. Create an organized and dedicated study space. ...
  7. Review course syllabus and plan ahead. ...
  8. Write clear and realistic goals.
Jul 15, 2021

Is it normal to call your mom everyday in college? ›

Most people still varied about how often they call their moms/parents, but I did see a bit of a majority answering that they talk to them every 1-2 days. So, even though we're big, bad, independent adults, it still feels reassuring to hear from our moms.

What percent of college kids get homesick? ›

According to a study by UCLA, about 70% of students reported feeling either occasionally or frequently homesick or lonely during their first year of college. Researchers define homesickness as feeling separated from family, a familiar location, or one's culture, with distress related to that separation.

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